Ask A Ninja

I'm confused very easily and I find it important to asak questions but when you ask questions you want to make sure that you get good answers. So how do you make sure you get good answers? You ASK A NINJA

'Cause ninjas have all the answers.

25 Feb. 2006 - Weekend Edition

Had a busy week, so here's a short weekend update

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Americans are lazy AND unproductive

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Feel like getting onto a secret service watch list? Go ahead! Insult the President. It's not like he reads your mail anyway.

23 Feb. 2006

If I were a mole rat I'd be screwed. So I could live longer. But I'm not and I can't get screwed so I won't live longer.

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In non-mole-rat sex news, scientists have determined that sex with a partner is 400% more satisfying. Two things: 1) first this means that when Dick Cheney tells me to "go fuck myself" I can tell him that if bends over it'll be four times as satisfying after I pepper his face and 2) well duh.

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Oh FUCK YES. MacGyver needs his own star on the walk of fame.

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A university in Canada has banned WiFi because of possible health effects of the radio waves. What can I say? It's Canada. Well okay, I can say this: It's fucking freezing in Canada, I'd bet more people are going to die of goddamn frostbite than would from 11 Mbps of internet porn. You don't see them banning the fucking cold do you? Cell phones, microwaves, speeding hockey pucks, a runaway moose or two. Until these things get banned, let's keep some goddamn priorities people.

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I know that pretty much nobody reads this, and the people who do don't give a fuck but sometimes I write some stuff for a podcast called Pacific Coast Hellway. On the Pacific Coast Highway a million dollar Ferrari got cut in half after running into a pole. Not that kind of pole you mole-rat freaks.

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The city of San Fransisco is planning to turn dog shit into power. We're supposed to be considering a national energy policy that reduces dependence on foreign oil right? Why not start turning all that bullshit the Bush Administration keeps spewing into power. We'd cut out some oil usage there I bet. Coal too probably.

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22 Feb. 2006

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and don't know what to wear. I usually just grab whatever is on the top of the pile that doesn't look like total shit. I don't think I have enough faith in people to be like this guy and let people on the internet decide what I'll wear. Because people on the internet are pretty much there for email and porn. And I'm not dressing as spam or Jenna Jameson.

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I'm not going to link to the original story because the dicussion is more interesting and leads to even more intereting places. But getting a reduced sentence because the step-daughter you sexually abused wasn't a virgin seems both fucking twisted and sickeningly amusing at the same time. I honestly feel bad for the girl. Shit like that shouldn't happen, no matter how much I might joke about it. But c'mon what fucking judge in his right mind would believe that just because the girl's seen a scholong that all of sudden it's not as bad. Makes you want to stand up and scream "What the fuck! go judge American Idol. douche!"

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In funnier foreign news, retired Japanese couples can't fucking stand each other. Especially not on a boat in the middle of the goddamn ocean for weeks at a time.

21 Feb. 2006

Honestly now, who throws a hat hacks you with a fucking sword these days.

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No, it's not valentines day part deux but in keeping with the injured for love theme, i have to admit that i've been with someone who could at times be unfuckable. So unfuckable as to deserve being stabbed for refusing her sex, no but unfuckable none the less.

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At least some crime isn't based on bad relationships and ugly women. I'd fuck a girl with a prosthetic leg, even if if someone stole her leg....twice. And just just because i could call her "stubby"

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a good reason not to live in the UK. That's all i have to say about that.

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Help a geek out. This guy is going to make a bunch of money if he get's a billion page views so he's getting about 1/10 a penny for each view off of some friend he bet. Google....it's a verb.

19 Feb. 2006

Wow, been a while. Here's some interesting news stories of the day.
Old people should not be giving birth . If for no other reason than parent-teacher conferences have to be held in a fucking care home.

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I'd bet though that granny was one of the people who would have fucked the goat at the frat house. Yeah, that's right, I said goat.

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Reality TV = a fucked up society. When they start televising a bunch of lawyers playing Russian Roulette, maybe I'll pay attention.

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10 Feb. 2006

Take some time today to relax and shoot the shit. Or at the very least, stay very far away from Buffalo that can literally shoot shit

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You are what you eat. Fatty.

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I think there was a Seinfeld episode with a grossly overdue library book. Or amybe it was South Park. I don't goddamn remember. It funny when life immitates fiction imitating life. Especially when it's in New Zealand. Which by the way, if there's a new one, where's the old Zealand?

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OK, wait, the Olympics are going on???. Well, unless you're from Spain.

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I think that in terms of whoring, Barbie could out-do Paris Hilton. Why Ken would want to go through a Queer Eye for the Queer Guy makeover is beyond me.

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If someone from another country asks why the US government can't get anything done, blame spell check.

9 Feb. 2006

This new job is killing my blogging frequency. Damn work, damn it, damn it all to hell.

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There was a guy a while back who cut off his arm with a pocket knife after it got pinned under a big rock. That still defines "hardcore" as far as I'm concerned. But this guy from New Zealand who stayed alive for three days at sea by eating crayfish and sea slugs runs a pretty close second.

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If you have to go to jail for something fucking in front of the mayor's office is a pretty good reason. And probably a shorter sentance than fucking the mayor's daughter in your office.

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It's always some indian fucker who steals my job anyway so if sanjay get's his ass tossed in jail for life for throwing a slipper at a judge I should feel bad, but really I just think it's fucking hilarious.

Opera - No fat lady, just a damn sexy piece of software

Further proof that Opera will kick the ass of IE and firefox. The next release (v 9) will incorporate RSS in a much nicer fashion than IE 7 does and will have bittorrent capabilities which neither IE nor Firefox does without some bitch work in the middle. So fuck all y'all I'll stick with it www.opera.com

4 Feb. 2006 - Weekend Update

Normally, I'd be too damn lazy to post something on the weekend, but this was quite goddamn funny. The army is offering relatinship advice. That's right the US Army will help enlistee's avoid marrying an asshat. "Sir, I will not sleep with that bitch. Sir!"

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And in stupid law news, I'm not going to ever go to Iowa. Not because of the anti sex toy law. I really don't care much about the law except for comedic value. I'm not not going to Iowa because I don't like Iowa.

3 Feb. 2006

It's bad enough when someone has four ex-wives. I can't imagine being forced to marry four times in six months just because your parents hate each other.

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When you have a huge bag of weed and someone steals it you don't go whining to the cops. Fucking idiot. Well, as MYN would say, at least it wasn't Wyoming. Pretty close though.

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I've heard of drug mules, but never before have I heard of drug puppies. I bet they're cute little fuckers too so that the customs people don't notice when they start shitting ballons of heroin.

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I know some first aid, I used to be CPR certified, and I'm in pretty decent health, but I'm certainly not a doctor. Reading some of the stories they have though I should consider going to med school. It would probably serve me better than law school at least.

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Stupid human tricks often involve knives and former paratroopers. But they usually end in a funnier way.

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I'm not very motivated to do many things. Motivated people scare me. Osama bin Laden, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, these are all very motivated people. It's crazy fuckers like these that make me wonder why we don't see many motivated minorities. Where's the pregnant chick who goes and blows up some right to life office? Where the gay guy who walks around beating up stright people just for being heteros? The NYT is running a story about some kid who walked into a gay bar with a hatchet and a handgun. Why he felt it necessary to have a hatchet if he's got a pistol is beyond me, but whatever. Point is, you don't hear about any butch dykes going around blowing up straight bars and that just seems wrong to me.

2 Feb. 2006

The idea of spending all my time in a giant metal box filled with guys in the middle of the fucking ocean doesn't really appeal to me, but if it appeals to you, move to the UK where the British Navy will outfit its new Destroyers with iPod docks and surround sound. Because that's how the British roll BITCH! Or um...er, float I guess.

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Kids in Nassau county are going to get paid to turn narc on other kids. While I admire the business opportunity here for some enterprise young kid, I hated that fucker growing up. The one who ratted you out when your breakfast was a double shot of vodka or when you're pocket knife turned out to be a butterfly knife (hey look, it's a knife, it fits in my pocket, it's a fucking pocket knife, get off my case).

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Okay, so how's this for fucked up. I can buy a whole island for less than I would pay to buy a condo here in Honolulu. Does that seem right to you?

1 Feb. 2006

Most, not all, but most cops are more like Chief Wigam from the Simpson's than they're like one of the people from CSI or Law and Order. I come to this conclusion because a couple managed to run a brothel across the street from a police station. But $160 for half an hour, hardly seems like market rate to me.

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I'm not sure if it's egotistical for him to say it, but the fact that the IRS has to keep Bill Gate's taxes on a special computer because the numbers are too big. By comparison, they keep mine in the pile marked as "people to fuck with."

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I have no idea what to say about this other than I need to go to Europe

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Somebody in Boston is feeling wicked retarded tonight after the Boston Globe sent out newspapers wrapped in paper that had the credit card info of over 200,000 subscribers.

IE 7 is a PILE OF SHIT

So I've been trying out the new beta of IE 7. You can get a copy at http://www.microsoft.com/windows/IE/ie7/tour/default.mspx It's a pile of ass. Tabbed browsing is better in Opera and Opera is free. Browsing is also faster in Opera and it's more compliant with standards.

RSS feeds in IE 7 are a joke and a pain in the ass to manage. For one thing, if I click on a feed to read individual items, it closes the list of feeds. This is fine if I have one feed but if I'm trying to go through multiple feeds, like reading the news, I have to reopen the list each time, it's a pain in the ass.

Thirdly, you can't customize the toolbar as much as you should be able to. Again Opera does a much better job. If Opera had some of the OS hooks that IE does and could run me through Windows update and had the right plugins it would rock shit 10 times better than IE. If IE copied Opera but did the nice things like integration with the OS and plugins, they would have zero to worry about from the likes of Firefox. Incidentally, interface in IE 7 sucks two giant donkey balls as well.