Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tues. 25 Sept. 2007 - Buncha fucking update edition

It's been a little while since the last setup and unfortunately I'm not feeling very witty tonight but there are a lots of things to pass along. For example, shooting like a girl isn't necessaarily that bad. The frames on my glasses are gunmetal gray. Apparently though I may have to get pink frames because now they're selling pink guns. As long as the HK MP5, Glock 9 and S&W 10 mm all still come in normal colors I'm fine, but think about that for a sec. Pink Baretta. 'Nuff said.

Buncha fucking pansies. I already know that pain meds don't work. The fact that fake acupuncture works better is somewhat surprising. But only somewhat

Buncha fucking idiots. Like wanted criminals who decide it's a good idea to go to a party thrown by the policy. Just because it's the last place they might expect to look for you, doesn't mean they won't fucking look you moron.

Buncha fucking lawyers. I studied law. Granted I quit, but still I like to think I would have been the type of judge to swear at people during a trial. Or at least the type of judge to swear at law professors constantly.

Buncha fucking smelly Chinese people. And I can say that because I'm damn near half chinese. but when you need to take a bath in the damn airplane bathroom, there's something fucking wrong. Particularly if you have the balls to ask the stewardess for shampoo.

Buncha fucking crazy Texans. Yeah okay so that describes, like all of Texas, but seriously, Texans are supposed to be gun totting, crazy ass motherfuckers, they're not supposed to listen to the troubles of the guy robbing them, and especially not while having breakfast with the motherfucker. They're supposed to shoot him in the head. With anything but a pink gun.

Buncha fucking smuggled lizards. yeah okay fine, more like three of them, but still when you smuggle lizards in a hollowed out wodden leg, that's newsworthy. Even more so when you get caught by the same Federal Government that won't let you take more than three ounces of jello on the airplane because it might kill people.

Buncha more fucking smuggled lizards. And because one set of smuggled lizards just isn't enough, a Russian woman decided to smuggle an Iguana in her bra. Lucky iguana, well she was Russian so maybe not.

Buncha fucking smart motherfuckers. I have to admit using the Boston Globe's crossword to ask someone to marry you is very romantic. If you're a fucking loser who has nothing better to do than crosswords, who find the vocabulary word of the day sexy as all fuck, who gets all hot and bothered by figuring out the clue for 5 UP instead of getting the clue that your girlfriend wants to get DOWN to a 69.

Buncha fucking yellow. This one makes the update just because it's Simpson's related and Moe is one of my favorite characters. It's the real life guy who's the inspiration for Moe the Bartender.

Buncha fucking crazy chicks. Well okay lets be honest, if you're still talking with your ex wife, that's strike one. If you compare her in bed to your much hotter second wife that's strike two and if you're willing to lie down next to the crazy bitch in a bed whilst comparing her to your sexier younger new wife, that's strike three. You're dick is out. But of course that's why she's his ex wife. That and she sucks in bed.

Seriously....I.....Just.....I really....Look, just watch it. Because you should Leave Britney alone

Buncha fucking marriages. But only because they're only going to last for 7 years so you have to keep having them. I guess that means my first wife could also be my second wife, and my third.

Buncha fucking electrons. Which only make the news when they're in the form of lightning and they strike someone in the cock. Even more so that the person is Croation. Because that's a funny name for a country.

Buncha dunks and idiots. But it only makes the news because a goddamn retiree can't buy a bottle of wine because he couldn't prove he was over 21.

Buncha high holy motherfuckers and lawyers. There's this great independent movie from Australia called The Man Who Sued God where a guy sued God for sinking his boat with a lightning bolt. It's a good movie. But seriously, when a politician from Nebraska sues God that's just funny as all fuck.

Buncha crazy Aussies. So what do you get when you cross a bottle of detergent, a vacum cleaner, a rubber glove and drugs? One sexed out Aussie robber. He got sentences to 12 months of community service for whacking it with a stolen vacum but still. nice job son.

Buncha people who need better acronyms. South Lake Union Trolleycar. Think about it for a second SLUT. That how I got to work today folks, I rode the SLUT. I don't even have to go beyond that do I?

Buncha more smuggled reptiles. Because you just can't get enough smuggled reptiles. The only difference is that these were dead. And there wer birds.

Buncha fucking bad songs. Not that all of his songs are bad. Mandy, that was pretty good. I knew a Mandy, she was cute. That doesn't mean I'd want to listen to a song about her as punishment from a judge. There's got to be a cruel and unusual arugment here. Well, okay, just unusual. CRUEL AND unusual would be Yanni.

Buncha Aussie boobs. I have a friend that's in the Navy, US, not Australian, and not that it matters in her case but sitll , when a Navy decides to foot the bill for breat augmentation, it should be news.

Buncha awesomeness. So not only do guns come in pink now but hair dryers come in gun now. And pink gun at that.

Buncha sperm in a libary. Just to clarify, it's not very good to loko at porn on a computer in a public library. Maybe not necessarily illegal but not good. On the flip side, spanking it in a public library is bad AND illegal.

Buncha Nebraskans talking to Thai hookers. Yep, that's right 8 students from the University of Nebraska (good football team, good corn, good steak, everything else sucks), Got to visit the Red Light District in Thailand. And you know a country where the capical is prounced bang cock, that's like the best field trip EVER!.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

12 Sept. 2007 - Short Update

I'm tired tonight, not much in the way of funny but here you go:

Don't choke the chicken. They shouldn't be drinking bottled water anyway.

Motherfucking overachiever Chinese math kids. The "I can do the Calculus in my head" people are just annoying, they make the rest of us look bad.

He's got a bridge to sell you as soon as he gets out of jail.

Bees + breasts = bad.

Lots of great uses for tennis balls. I've also seen them be used to open car doors. Seriously. Google it.