Monday, January 15, 2007

15 Jan 2007 - Jetlagged and Tired

I got back from Dallas at 3 AM yesterday, my schedule is all jacked up. That said, here a couple more stories to add to the fun.
Before I start though, some travel tips from A Whole Lotta Nothing

I would like to offer that if the religious right is so intent on joining church and state together they move to Poland where a number of people have suggested that Jesus be named King because being King of the Jew's isn't enough, now he's got to have Poland too.

Whereas I will be moving to China where they don't have Chinese food, they just have food, and where one night stands are apparently no big thing. Ok, choose your own joke here: 1)well, they're Chinese, of course it's not very big, for that they'd have to be with someplace with more black porn stars. or 2) Which would probably increase my chances of getting laid from none to slim.

Either that or I move to Belgium and offer a breat enhancing beer to every woman I meet.

So not only are Americans fat, they've even got fat pets. Does Jenny Craig do salmon and chicken liver dinners?

Leave it to the New Yorker to tell parents all the things they didn't want to know about how much action their kids are getting. What the hell kids are these and why couldn't I meet any of them when I was a kid?

I used to teach computer science and my background and education are technically electrical engineering so I'm kind of conflicted seeing this explaination of the differencs between EE and CS. But only a little conflicted, the ending is still correct.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

9 Jan. 2007, helpful people are nice but are stupid and so they should be fucking arrested

Like helpful drunk people for example. Like say a guy mistakes a police spot check for a broken down car and offers to help. He should get brownie points for that right?

Who knew a bra could save your life. Must be a really smart woman who realized you could wear lace body armor.

Much smarter than the helpful druggie chick who did her civic duty and reported a bad crack purchase to the cops. See what happens when bad people tell on other bad people. They both end up getting laughed at.

And so much smarter than the guy who had to call 911 on himself when he got lost in the car he stole. I mean really, if you're going to steal a car you should at least have some place to go. Otherwise steal a bus.

Only in Japan could music sooth the savage beast or get your ass thrown in jail. But in all fairness to the Japanese, nobody appreciates good music these days.

I used to do speech and debate in high school. I still coach it once in a while. But man if the BBC says that sex helps debate perhaps debate can help sex? Shit, wait, that doesn't work. Foiled by logic once again. I'll have to rely on the old methods of alcohol and lies.

Monday, January 08, 2007

9 Jan. 2006 - The random shit that appears in my RSS feed edition

Why someone would want to take condoms filled with flour on a airplane is beyond my, but you shouldn't get arrested for it. Which just further proves my point that TSA is full of shit.

And if you don't believe me and need futher proof, TSA put a goddamn baby through the X-ray machine at LAX. I mean I know my laptop has to go through separately, but my infant too?

But you come to expect that of the US where the largest cash crop is weed.

And this is of course the same country that has tens of millions of fat asses but still thinks it's goddamn pets need the diet medications. The last time my fucking dog needed a diet pill, I let her lick my balls run around more. See people that's what your animals need. More exercise, not more pills. Heartworm, fleas, ticks, your dog does not have an eating disorder that needs medication too. It has an owner disorder tha it needs to escape from.

And just to be clear about what your pets do and do not fucking need. Water? Check. Food? Check. regular exercise? Check. The occasional flea bath? Check. enough bank credit to buy a used car? Um. proably frucking not.

My newest vote for shittiest job in the world goes to diving in raw Mexican sewage for $400 and manually unclogging "blockages". I mean really, it's fucking Mexico, drink the water and get the shits. What POSSIBLE blockages could there be in mexican sewage? Dead taco bell Chihuahua?

I've been feeling particularly violent lately and I guess its spreading, 'cause when characters at the 'happiest place on earth' starting beating Mickey's fans you some shit's going down. Maybe they've been drinking Mexican water?

It has always been my dream to one day own my own island in the Carribean where I can sit all day and eat lobsters the size of small children. but I'd settle for my own country. Now to just find the $65 million dollars. Fuck it, it's my own country, I'll make up my own currency and fuck with the exchange rates.

You may have heard of the One Red Paperclip project. Where some guy trades himself up from one paperclip to a home. I say the guy who traded from a bottle of beer to a car did better. Of course it WAS a pretty good bottle of beer. So maybe not.

Oh my fucking God, I have found my dream job. Now all I have to do is marry well instead of rich and I'm set for life.

See this is what pisses me off about government. Even Norway is taxing art now. I mean really, you're trying to get your fat greedy hands into my pockets and I'm not even wearing pants. I mean damn.

And of course aside from taxes, I certainly don't trust the goverment for education. Public education systems are the things that produce college geniuses like the two nimrods who decided that it would be nice to get buzzed off of the Helium in a hotair ballon. I'm betting they got accepted to Yale too. Fuckers.

No, the only good college students are the ones you know are actually smart. Like the 11 year old sophmore at Cal State. Except little overachieving bastards like that make the rest of us look bad. Way to go kid. I'm going to go suck on a hot air balloon now and wallow in my stupidity.

If you have a friend who's going to get married, save the poor bastards life and make sure the fiance is as much of a smart-ass as this lady. 'Cause if she's not, it's a lot more work to save your friend.

Man, I never got these kind of Christmas presents. Merry Christmas indeed.