29 Mar. 2006

I didn't actually start drinking until high school, but man how cool would it have been to have beer with your school lunch instead of milk?

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As if you needed more reasons to get pissed off at lawyers for stupid lawsuits, some jackass in college is suing eHarmony because it won't let him date online until his divorce is final. Who in the fuck would want to date a lawyer online anyway. If he wanted to get laid online, "unemployed" sounds better than "attorney"

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As a note to people who like to use their credit card for stupid purchases, the people at fast food restaurants are there because they can't get a real job, don't trust them with your credit card. But then some people just have to learn the hard way. Like, for example, a $4334.33 lunch at Burger King. Jackass. Hm, second thought, I'm not sure if that title better applies to the cashier or the customer.

27 Mar. 2006

Not that I'm going to win any father of the year contents, but when you leave your infant daughter in the car as you go to catch the train you're definitely in for some shit with the wife.

25 Mar. 2006

Florida, where you'r your high school kid can be an undeclared major and seem like even more of an aimless slacker.

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23 Mar. 2006

It's a pretty sad day when kids outrun an olympic gold medalist"

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Then again I probably shouldn't be surprised when the US government will consider someone fit for combat but not for delivering the mail. Because you have to be in shape to outrun dogs, but you have bulletprrof vests for bullets.

20 Mar. 2006

There is a Beastie Boys joke in here somewhere. 'Cause you gotta fight...for your right...to poooole dance!

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You ask what would Jesus do?a suplex of course

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If you're rather chubby and want to save money on your next vacation, don't stay here

19 Mar. 2006 - Special Weekend Edition

I like the bible, but more for the comedy value than for personal belief. That being the case there's a wealth of content here. Engouh for four or five stand up routines, at least

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Vermont is a kooky place for anyone who's ever been there. Now they're trying to impeach Bush and you gotta love that. New state slogan: We like autumn, we like syrup....fuck Bush.

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As if that weren't enough, you've got Arizona electing dead people. Insert you're own Sixth Sense "I see dead people...on office" joke here. Honesly now, with 96% incumbency, I'm surprised we don't see this more often in the US Senate.

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In further political amusment, the Chinese have an online game that teaches them to mend socks and be good communists.

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And in other stupid game news, the USA PATRIOT Act has it's own game. When you lose, you go to Gitmo. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go directly to Guantanamo.

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I am so very glad that I'm not the cop who had to pull over the naked 70 year old lady (and her fuck buddy) for drunk driving. But it's kind of impressive isn't it, to be getting plastered and start fucking in a car at 70. I'll be lucky if my liver lasts half that long.

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In further sex news, Canadians spend more time on TV than sex. I think we should mix the two, you can go down while I watch the latest Lost

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In science news, the people who started the cryonics movement, freezing yourself in the hope that one day science will be able to save you, got cremated. There are so many jokes in there, I'm just going to let you make up your own.

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If I sued myself, I bet I'd win. If that was the premise of the jackass who ran into his own car with a city dump trunk then decided to sue the city, it seems like the kind of thing you would see on a sitcom. Writiers for The King of Queens take note, there's your season finale episode right there.

15 Mar. 2006

This is more than half a century late. But then I never realized that some jackass teenager made the end of WWII late. So i guess it balances.

14 Mar. 2006

That's it. I'm moving to Norway. Anywhere beer comes out of your kitchen faucet is a place I want to live.

13 Mar. 2006

i can't juggle but this dude is pretty badass

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do you need a tank?

11 Mar. 2006

I can't remember at the moment who said "I kind of like it when a lot of people die." It might have been George Carlin. Anyway, I find it funny that a van hit a funeral procession and killed 25 people

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I can't say I regularly agree with the Ukrainians, but that doesn't mean that once in a while they don't have good ideas, like having more sex

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9 Mar. 2006

It's no surprise that Americans are fat. And it's no surprie that being fat will kill you. It is a bit of a surprise though that being fat will kill other people by sinking a boat. Time to DIEt people.

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In other maritine news, Congress can't get universal health care, or balance a fucking budget, but they have time to hear about how people on cruise ships get lost at sea or sexually assaulted. 24 people dissappeared from cruise ships between 2003 and 2005. In related news more than 24 people died today in Iraq because of Congress' bad planning.

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8 Mar. 2006

I studied law. Then I stopped because of a number of reasons, but when a judge quotes Adam Sandler movies in a decision it might be time to consider taking up law again. If I ever make it as a Federal Appellate Court Judge, my first ruling will somehow reference "Eight Crazy Nights" just to be obscure.

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7 Mar. 2006

Yeah, there are all kinds of things I could add today. Like that girl who lost her prosthetic leg that I noted a couple of days ago. That leg got returned. But you know what's better? A lesbian homecoming king.

4 Mar. 2006

If I were running for office, and the competition was dying, I'd save him only because if he did win, I would hold it over his ass for his whole term: "hey senator, remember that time you almost died and i saved your life??? yeah, well, I'm calling in a favor". This guy did it because he didn't know any better. Which is less amusing.

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You know why you don't try to make kids cultured? Because they do stupid shit like putting gum on $850K paintings

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I don't even...I mean really, what do you say when....seriously, it's LA so what do you expect other than some 25 year old nutty chick stealing a SUV from a cop and crying into the radio as she's chased by other cops and helicopters. And then she get's arrested at gunpoing. nice.

2 Mar. 2006

Holy mother of fuck I need to get some of this 184-proof whiskey

1 Mar. 2006

So kinda cool. Not that I have a sports car, but if I did, I wouldn't want my sports care to run on soybeans or be built by a bunch of students. The sad thing is that some of the students who made the damn car don't look old enough to drive it legally.