Wednesday, December 20, 2006

20 Dec. 2006

And this is why I don't now, nor have I ever trusted cafeteria food. And why I avoid salad.

Merry Christmas everyone. Be sure you go and buy all your presents early. And make sure they're age appropriate. For example, if you're getting a brand spanking new Microsoft Zune for your 12 year old daughter, make sure it's cums pre-loaded with a gay orgy video. Otherwise it just wouldn't be spanking new.

My Vote for President

Ken Jennings. He might be odd, he might be Mormon, he might be odd because he's Mormon, but I'd still vote for him over Hillary.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

the Big Update 13 Dec 2006

Lots of random shit's been going on. I've been busy. But here it is again. 
The latest dose of stuff that ranks high on my weird-shit-o-meter.

Quite possible the best street sign in the world.

That's right the federal government says no sex until your married or 30, whichever comes first. But honesly if you haven't gotten laid by 30, you'll need more than just advice from your government.

Then again, what the fuck is it with kids today that they're committing armed robbery for legos? I mean really. Legos? You can do so much better. What about the new Power Ranger toys? Stil, it's nice to see some kids are becoming felons to improving their engineering skills.

and in further pursuit of science, if my kid ever decides to find out how many condoms he can put on at the same time he deservse whatever may happen to him because of three pounds of latex on his junk.

And of course he could become a felon for wearing a condom too, at least if he's wearing it while joining the mile high club and gets busted for violating anti-terrorism laws. And yes, I would be terrified of finding some random passenger walking out of the tiny bathroom with a chubby.

But then sex and pizza, that could work. But unless you've got Spanish Fly Deep Dish or a fat chick sending branded condoms with your personal pan pie, might be a little odd.

so the next time you walk down to get your carry-out order, make sure that just in case some strange looking guy walks out of the pizza place with a calzone and a funny grin you're wearing a jacket that will shock the living shit out of him. I'm so getting one of these for all the groupies that keep trying to molest me. Like the Pope.

At least the Jedi don't try to molest me. And being recognized by the Un as a religion means that if they ever did, they could totally beat the crap out of Crusaders. Plus when they try to molest anybody they'll do it telekenetically or sodomize you with a lightsaber.

And for all my Muslim groupies, I would suggest some sexual counseling, perhaps by Dr. Heba Kotb, the Jihadi's answer to Dr. Ruth. Becuase if you're not sure what to do with 87 virgins when you get to heaven, it's nice to do your homework before you get there.

Of course if Dr. Hotb was really good she could play CSI and help people in South Africa figure out how it is that a penis could wind up outside of a house

Perhaps he was just some guy trying to commit a crime, like the moron in Kansas that blew off a testicle trying to kidnap someone

And in random medial news, the illness I wouldn't wish on anyway, but would totally love to know someone who's got it. Spontaneous orgasm. Walking down the street, you don't know whether your coming or going or cumming. Okay, yeah, that was just too easy of a joke.

Finally, some school spending I can support and motivation to get back into teaching. I mean damn if I can spend school money on strippers and booze why wouldn't I want to be a teacher?