Thursday, August 09, 2007

8 Aug. 2007

So to start tonight I'd like to display the first real evidence of a serious iPhone related injury. That right folks, your iPhone can kill you...or almost kill you. Whatever. Still a good reason not to get an iPhone.

Growing up as a kid I had an allowance of $3 each week for which I would do dishes, feed the pets and do a couple other small things. But this ended around the time I was 12. Apparently I should have grown up in Italy where you can be 61 and still collect an allowance until your mom takes it away because you stay out too late.I don't really have a joke here, I'm just totally pissed I actually have to work.

I go to my bank and cash a check I figure maybe they have a couple hundred thousand in cash sitting around. But to have 3 guys steal $300 Million from a bank in Bhaghdad is just insane. I mean how the fuck do you do that? Even if that was $100 bills, that's still 3 million bills, it would take a good dozen whole fucking TREES to make that many bills, How do you carry out that much paper and not get noticed by somebody? Gee, we're in the middle of downtown Bhaghdad and nobody noticed the huge fucking semi truck with the pieces of paper sticking out the corners? By the way 220,000,000 Iraqi dinars = about 150,000 US Dollars. How's that for a fucking exchange rate. "Yes Mr. Bank Teller, I'd like that in 10,000 dinar increments, you know small bills." "What! my bar tab was 200,000,000. Holy fuck how much did I drink!"

In keeping with the theme of the military leaving around a bunch of stuff where random people can just come get it without any real security, some people fucking a Patriot missile in a Florida scrapyard. Yep, a patriot fucking missile. So do the people in the Pentagon just not have enough space to store stuff? Gee, I'd like ot hold onto this fuckload of paper, but we simply don't have any place to put it. Oh, I'm sorry, our supply closet is full, I can't store this missile. Let's just leave it here. Somebody will come by and pick it up. You know what. I should be happy they didn't leave the fucking missile in a bank in Bhaghdad. At least at the srapyeard there was probably a dog guarding it so nobody could steal the goddman missle and shoot down an airplane. Oh, in case you were wondering, the military's response was that it was harmless because it didn't have "the part on top that goes boom", according to Lt. Omar Villarreal, the spokesman for MacDill Air Force Base. But even without the warhead, it still had the fucking rocket engine and the guidance system, so yes, it would be a bad idea to fly over Florida in a blimp.

On any given day you might hear a joke start out "so this naked blonde chick in a high heels walks into a gas station...." Except that it's actually happened. I don't have a joke here. I'm just kind of bummed that I wasn't in Germany. Now granted, it doesn't say that she was a HOT naked chick in high heels, but come on, a naked chick in gold high heels steps out of a Ferrari, she better be hot. You don't get a fat, ugly chick to step out of a Ferrari in nothing but gold shoes and a bracelet unless you're on Melrose, she just finished giving you a blowjob and you convince her to walk you to the ATM then you peel away real quick as soon as she steps out of the car.

So I think that the motherfuckers who stole the $300M from the bank took a flight to London to live it up and pay off a bar tab. Supposedly, some middle-eastern businessman racked up a bar tab of $210,000 in five hours and granted, London is an expensive town, but fuck man, I get annoyed when my tab comes back with a couple hundred bucks the only way you can pay a tab like that for a night of drinking is if you rob a fucking bank.

If I was to spend $200,000 on five hours it would be for a lap dance. And the nice thing about it is that I'm young enough to not almost fucking die from it. 'Cause see, the problem is that when the stripper has to revive you during the lap dance you have to tip her extra. Does anybody know what the stripper etiquette is for that? Like for a normal lap dance it's $40, to see a little more it's like $50, but if she has to revive you it's like $100. And she can touch you but you can't touch her.

I was a Boy Scout for like a year or two when I was a kid and I don't know how they do it in the UK, but I am totally in favor of granting Girl Guides a 'safe-sex badge'. I think when it comes time to sell cookies they can take the opportunity of door to door selling to earn their 'revive a guy you're giving a lap dance to' badge as well.

Of course, I have to toss in my own little homage to the whole drunk astronaut thing. I'm just impressed that they were still allowed to fly even after the tests said they might pose a flight risk. Next thing you know Lindsay Lohan will be doing a stint on the International Space station after piloting the shuttle. Seriously though, somebody needs to send that bitch into space.

I'm not a big fan of the amusement parks and things like that. I mean I've done the Disneyland thing, but I prefer things like the Aqaurium. I keep waiting for the big fish in the tank to eat the little fish in the tank but it never happens. Zoos, Aquariums, things like that. But I have just now decided never to visit anything remotely fun in China. When the souvenirs are made out of Panda shit it's just not a place I want to visit. You don't go to Disneyland to get the Mickey Mouse ears and the picture frame made out of Pluto the dog's shit. You don't go to the aquarium to get the stuffed turtle and and the coffee mug made out of Nemo's crap. I mean China, come on! You just fucking don't do that. I will find you a middle eastern businessman to buy you a lapdance from a stripper that knows CPR, if you just fucking knock that off. I'd say knock that shit off, but frankly you've already done enough with shit.

And finally in something neither poo or stripper or money related, but simply one more thing to chalk up to cracked out New Zealanders, I add my vote of support to the couple who want to name their newborn son Superman. I think they should be allowed to if only because some government asshat turned down their initial name of "4Real." No matter what, I already feel sorry for the kid, so fuck it, at this point whatever they name him is going to lead to beatings at school. At least with a name like Superman it'll scare off the dangerous bullies for a couple of years. Once the kid hits puberty he's just fucked anyway, but it'll help him early on.


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